OK, so today I have all these thoughts about money rambling about in my head. I don’t really expect anyone to comment to this post but I just need to get it out of the head and onto the paper. Last night, I had to turn Obama off. I am tired of hearing about the economy. It seems like that is all anyone talks about. I turned him off because as much as I am embarrassed to admit this, I am in the 5% of people that won’t benefit a lick from this stimulus package. In fact, it will probably hurt us. Why is that so hard for me to admit publically? Most people would be happy about that but I work very hard to make our life as understated as possible. We buy very little show offy type stuff (we have a few things, lol). But the cold hard truth is that we are more comfortable in a Ford truck than a Mercedes.

Bob and I come from hard working families who did everything they could to make us successful and we are. We both appreciate the sacrifices our parents made for us. We would like to try to be as good as parents as they were. Neither one of us grew up like our boys, who blink at something and it appears. I honestly worry about Connor when he leaves the nest and realizes that money doesn’t magically fall out of Dads wallet. But I digress as usual.

Why does money seem to be the center of everything lately? I walk away from conversations because while I truly get what is going on, it is not happening in my family. Obama critizizes execs who fly on private jets. Is AirForce 1 now being run by Southwest? Execs fly that way for many of the same reasons he does, security and privacy. Same with his precious little blackberry. Stock brokers and bankers have to have the same security. Seriously, think about it. Some of these execs in the financial markets have some very sensitive info. That doesn’t make you stuck up. We usually stay at the Ritz on trips. Know why? The corporate rate is cheaper than the Holiday Inn. But, yeah, makes everyone look like the proverbial ‘fat cat’. I have actually heard of companies spending more money now to stay at the Holiday Inn to avoid negative press. How crazy is that?

It bothers me to see my husband attacked because of his profession but what is going on in my personal life bothers me just as much. Seriously, most of my friends are having some sort of financial issues. We are not doing as well as last year either but I am the first to admit we are not hurting right now. But I feel like I just cannot talk to anyone about the things I want to enjoy. How do I ask my friend if we should go to the Bahama’s or Hawaii for Con’s birthday when I just found out that her house is in foreclosure or she needs 4 new tires? I know it would be insensitive but if we are friends than why is one convo less valid than the other? Why do I feel like I shouldn’t ever bring it up?

Yesterday I had a friend call and ask me about the personal organizer I just hired. Why does telling him that she is $50 an hour embarrass me? I have a right to hire someone to do something I don’t want to do. I don’t NEED an organizer. I WANT one and I can afford it. So, what?

Same thing with an upcoming trip. I got a good deal on a room and am going alone. Why do I feel like such a personality flawed B for not being willing to share my room to reduce someone elses cost?

As I read this back, I know how random it all sounds but I am glad I said it. I feel like I can’t be myself with my friends because I am in that dreaded 5% and I hate that. It is a really lonely feeling when you can’t talk about 1/2 of the stuff in your life because you feel guilty.

I love my friends and family and hope that Obama’s plan helps them. I miss going out to lunch and talking about the latest sales, getting our nails done or just chatting about happy stuff. Maybe that makes me shallow but I just want things to be the way they used to be for everyone.

Let me also make it very clear that this is solely my issue. No one has intentionally made me feel like this. I am dealing with my own guilt here.