Who Moved My Fountain of Youth?

I am having a midlife crisis. Don’t laugh. I am.

After waking up and being shocked that, yes, that old, plump person staring me in the mirror was actually me I decided right there on my 38th birthday to change things. For Gods sake, Madonna is 50 and look at her!

So I went to the gym boot camp thing. I hurt my ankle and had to readjust that goal of losing 25 pounds in 12 weeks to trying not to gain in 12 weeks.

But that is just the tip of the iceberg….

I started researching face creams….don’t laugh, you know you have done it too, or will at some point.

Not me. Picture from about.com

Oh YES! StriVectin seemed like just the right cure. Did you know it is better than botox??? So, I am completely confident that once my face stops looking like the poor girl on the right, I will have a flawless, lifted , and sculpted face. What??? Stop laughing. It is going to happen. It says so right on the $139 bottle!

It was time to look inward as well and so I added a whole new slew of vitamins and mineral and organic, natural somethings or others. Have you seen how healthy the people that shop at Whole Foods look? It is as simple as a few extra acai berries I am told. Once my pee stops being orange I am sure that my body will have cleansed itself of all those awful free radicals that made the StriVectin necessary in the first place.

I still haven’t found a bottle that will stop the kids from growing closer to leaving everyday. I asked at Whole Foods when I picked up the orange pee pills. They seemed baffled as to why I would want to stunt my children’s growth. To be honest, sometimes I am too.

In my quest for the fountain of youth I have gained many things: an orthotic boot,  hydrocortisone , benedryl, and an unsatiable urge to pee orange.I have not gotten younger, thinner, or less toxic.

I give up. Please start forwarding any future snake oil purchases to Garden Grove Nursing Home.

Comments

  1. lol you crack me up…. I watched food inc recently and started leaning towards whole foods/trader Joes more… but now hearing how it may actually keep me from aging? … I’m so there.
    .-= Complicated Mama´s last blog ..Forget “The Situation”, I went to highschool with “The Lesson”- apparently. =-.

  2. berntson says:

    Saave the bottle know of a little old lady that might want to change back the clock.
    .-= berntson´s last blog ..

  3. You must be at a fun park, because I don’t see an old plump person even when I sit right next to you! You go girl, even if you are peeing orange!
    .-= Lori´s last blog ..Blog Award =-.

  4. Hilarious post! I’ve been reading your posts via email for awhile and always enjoy them!
    .-= gigi´s last blog ..Friday Flip Offs, 4/30 Edition =-.

  5. THERESA BERNTSON says:

    WHAT MIRROR HAVE YOU BEEN LOOKING IN ? YOU ARE A BEATIFUL WOMEN WITH A OUTSTANDING HUSBAND ,TWO REMARKABLE SONS NOTHING STAYS THE SAME TIME CHANGES EVERYTHING (Thank you Lord) YOU ARE INCREIDABLE AND I LOVE YOU .(ONE WHO KNOWS YOU ) I THINK SO

  6. THERESA BERNTSON says:

    YOUR EDITORALS ARE SO RIGHT TO THE POINT DIRECT .YOU SHOULD THINK OF WRITING A BOOK YOU HAVE SO MUCH INSIGHT TO SHARE. (RETIREMENT PROJECT)