I am having a midlife crisis. Don’t laugh. I am.
After waking up and being shocked that, yes, that old, plump person staring me in the mirror was actually me I decided right there on my 38th birthday to change things. For Gods sake, Madonna is 50 and look at her!
So I went to the gym boot camp thing. I hurt my ankle and had to readjust that goal of losing 25 pounds in 12 weeks to trying not to gain in 12 weeks.
But that is just the tip of the iceberg….
I started researching face creams….don’t laugh, you know you have done it too, or will at some point.
Oh YES! StriVectin seemed like just the right cure. Did you know it is better than botox??? So, I am completely confident that once my face stops looking like the poor girl on the right, I will have a flawless, lifted , and sculpted face. What??? Stop laughing. It is going to happen. It says so right on the $139 bottle!
It was time to look inward as well and so I added a whole new slew of vitamins and mineral and organic, natural somethings or others. Have you seen how healthy the people that shop at Whole Foods look? It is as simple as a few extra acai berries I am told. Once my pee stops being orange I am sure that my body will have cleansed itself of all those awful free radicals that made the StriVectin necessary in the first place.
I still haven’t found a bottle that will stop the kids from growing closer to leaving everyday. I asked at Whole Foods when I picked up the orange pee pills. They seemed baffled as to why I would want to stunt my children’s growth. To be honest, sometimes I am too.
In my quest for the fountain of youth I have gained many things: an orthotic boot, hydrocortisone , benedryl, and an unsatiable urge to pee orange.I have not gotten younger, thinner, or less toxic.
I give up. Please start forwarding any future snake oil purchases to Garden Grove Nursing Home.