Broken Heart

Last night my heart was broken into a million pieces. It was a night a knew would come but it shocked me none-the-less. Here is the conversation as I went to tuck Carter in last night:

Carter: “Mom, I know this might upset but I need you to be strong”

Me: “Um, okay, what’s up?”

Carter: “I am seriously thinking about giving up a story before bed each night”

Me: “WHAT? WHY? I can’t sleep without my story!”

Carter: “Well, I don’t know if I can either but I am thinking it is time we try”.

In my head: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Obviously with Connor being close to 14 that ritual ended a long time ago with him. But, it has still lingered around with my “baby”. I love my two boys equally, with all my heart yet, differently. I have spent so many nights praying that he be OK and listening to monitors beep away. I don’t think I could count all the nights spent in hospitals worrying while he slept if I tried. Our bond is just different. I guess maybe like two people who fight together through a war…

I have seen the signs coming. He is getting more and more independent. He is setting his own goals in therapy (occupational) and only wants to work on things that give him more independence. He is becoming much more aware of himself and girls! All of a sudden he has a greater understanding of his place in this world. He is maturing.

And yes, I know, that Carter has lingered in his younger years longer than most due to his ‘challenges’ and I should be happy to see him growing up a bit more but I am not ready to let go.

Guess it doesn’t matter if I am or not though.

Guess I will have to tell myself a story from now on. I think it will go like this…

Goodnight Moon, Goodnight Stars, Goodnight Big Boy, Hello Little Man.


  1. ::hugs:: I'm not looking forward to that day either. :(
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  2. Got teary readying your little story at the end. What a beautiful human being you are! God bless you!!!

  3. Hopefully it will hold off for you a little while longer since you all will be so close over the next phase of your life :)

  4. ohh, so sorry! My 'baby' is almost 7 now, things have changed here, too. What about switching over to taking a minute and talking about his day, or about his favorite thing about that day? I do this with my son.

    sometimes, when I can't fall asleep, I run through "goodnight moon" in my head, I know it by heart, lol.

  5. Goose Bumps all up and down. You are a wonderful mom! And you have 2 fabulous boys!
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  6. It's rough when you lose that small link, but hopefully you will come up with something special to replace it.

  7. My aunt who is a teacher and child development specialist says you should read to even your older children, but that you should read them books a level ahead of what they would read on their own. My 11 year old will still lay and listen to me read a chapter out of one of his chapter books. That might be a compromise for him, and a win for you, no? Not a "story" per se, but reading.

    Additionally, my brother in law reads each night from a chapter book to the older 3 (ages 13, 12, and 11) of his 6 children while my sister in law tends to the others. Food for thought.
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    We are never to old for conversation ,what happen today,a walk,cry, gift .talk i can only guess bears are on the way out {these are story in a way} a private moment shared.If we could only get him to write them down in his first book ( too much like work) WHAT A WRITTER HE WOULD BE

  9. Motherhood is so hard! It’s hard when you are going through all the little kid phases. Dealing with potty training, weaning, bed times, sleeping through the night. But I’m finding it really hard to say goodbye to some of our traditions and baby things as my girls get older. I can definitely wait for the teenage years. Hang in there.
    .-= SusanĀ“s last blog ..Dear Grocery Store: Hold the Plastic Bags =-.